


Busy Brain

by tinycecropia



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Asexual Character, Fluff, Insomnia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-14 09:19:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5738119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinycecropia/pseuds/tinycecropia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyungsoo is an anxious insomniac who watches a stranger's letsplays to fall asleep. One day he meets that stranger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Since he was a child, Do Kyungsoo had had trouble falling and staying asleep. Deemed a “fussy baby”, his parents suffered many sleepless nights because of him. When he reached adolescence he was told he, like all teenagers, would start sleeping in late. Instead he woke up every morning before the sun had risen. In his youth he would stay up late reading to try to convince his brain that, really, he was tired, he promised. He tried playing soft music as he fell asleep. He tried listening to fucking white noise.

Eventually, he found the only thing that worked. Every night Kyungsoo would fall asleep to videos playing quietly in the background. Specifically, as much as it embarrassed him to admit, he watched the videos of two boys who would play video games and talk to each other. Neither of them showed their faces or even gave away their real names. Kyungsoo didn’t know much about video games, and that wasn’t why he watched (or, rather, listened); he would lose himself in the conversations of these two boys he didn’t know, listen to them tell personal stories or laugh at silly jokes, hardly talking about the game they were playing anyway, and he would end up falling into a stable sleep. Their dynamic was warm and playful. They clearly cared about each other and loved making the videos.

His favourite of the two boys was the one with the deeper voice. He seemed to never have a lull in conversation, always ready with stories which he wove together and told with ease. Kyungsoo admired his conversation skill and felt extremely comforted by the low hum of his voice, the corners of his own mouth twitching up when he could hear a smile in the boy’s voice. He listened to him talk about a disastrous first kiss, a road trip with friends, a pet ferret he once had that had run away (Kyungsoo found himself laughing out loud at the last anecdote). As anonymous as the boy was, he felt like something of a close friend to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo had friends back home but he could already feel the beginnings of distance forming between them in the time it took for him to finish his first term of university. He would not have told them about his strange closeness to a disembodied voice on the internet.

On the first day of the new winter term Kyungsoo got to class early. Like always. He sat at the back, focused on his phone, not planning on looking up until the lecture started. He was distracted from his plan when a tall boy sat directly beside him, made eye contact, and smiled brightly. Kyungsoo looked around the mostly empty classroom; this guy had the whole hall but had sat right beside Kyungsoo. Not trying to be rude, Kyungsoo returned the smile with a nod and a small bow.

The boy had long bowlegs, floppy red hair that fell just above his eyes, a small smattering of acne on his cheeks, and almost comically oversized ears. He was dressed in ripped skinny jeans and a slightly-too-big black hoodie.

“Hey, I’m Park Chanyeol,” he said.

Kyungsoo did a double-take, eyebrows furrowed, mouth slightly open; how was this possible? The guy’s voice! Kyungsoo must have imagined it—but, he could have sworn that when this boy spoke, the voice that Kyungsoo had been falling asleep to for months had come out.

“Uh, your name?” the boy asked and, yes, that was it, this was him! The very same anonymous internet boy of Kyungsoo’s dreams.

Staring at him. Waiting for him to snap out of his daze.

“Ah! Sorry, I’m Do Kyungsoo... nice to meet you.”

Chanyeol chuckled, his laugh all eyes scrunched up and teeth. “Okay, Do Kyungsoo. What are you studying?”

“Uh, I’m studying English. What are you studying?” Kyungsoo felt restless with nerves and began to fidget with his hands under the table.

“Oh, that’s cool!” Chanyeol said in English with a big grin. Switching back to Korean he added “I’m in the business program.”

The professor began class and Chanyeol smiled at Kyungsoo one last time before turning his attention to the front, meaning that Kyungsoo could finally process what had just happened.

He could hardly believe that he just had just met, had just introduced himself to, the voice he had been relying on to lull him to sleep. He couldn’t help sneaking glances at Chanyeol throughout the class; from the grin that kept stretching across Chanyeol’s face, Kyungsoo had the feeling he knew he was being looked at.

He was handsome, without a doubt, and not what Kyungsoo would have expected from listening to his videos. Kyungsoo was hyperaware of the foot of space between them. Any movement caught out of the corner of his eye got his mind reeling again. He did not manage to absorb any information from the class.

When class ended Kyungsoo fought an internal battle over whether or not to talk to Chanyeol again. He packed up slowly to elongate his decision making time. His thoughts were racing back and forth at what seemed like light speed, and maybe that was why he didn’t notice Chanyeol hovering at his side until he spoke, startling Kyungsoo so much as to cause him to flinch.

“So...” Chanyeol said vaguely, and Kyungsoo’s gaze snapped up to his face. He was really tall.

“Uh, yeah! It was nice to meet you. I’ll see you next week?” Kyungsoo managed to say without embarrassing himself. Chanyeol smiled brightly at the suggestion and agreed, waving goodbye.

Kyungsoo was distracted for the rest of the day, and when he fell asleep to Chanyeol’s videos like usual he finally had a face to put to the deep, lovely voice. He buried his face in his hands and laughed softly.

***

After their first meeting, seeing Chanyeol once a week became something that Kyungsoo looked forward to. Hearing that warm voice in person drew Kyungsoo in like a gravitational pull. On top of this, Chanyeol was fun and easy to talk to, which seemed like a minor godsend to Kyungsoo, himself having a history of taking a long time to feel comfortable around people.

Kyungsoo was too nervous to broach the subject of Chanyeol’s videos. He was worried Chanyeol would think he was weird and overzealous. He also felt it was unfair that he knew so much about Chanyeol while the other knew very little about him. He couldn’t simply spring on Chanyeol the fact that he knew, for example, about the time he peed his pants in public when he was in elementary school.

For a few weeks Kyungsoo and Chanyeol would have long conversations before, after, even during class (the latter either whispered or typed out on laptop screens). They would dance around the possibility of meeting outside of class (mostly, Kyungsoo thought, because of him; he wasn’t bold enough to bring it up.)

After a while of this Chanyeol finally made the first move.

“Hey, maybe we could exchange numbers? In case we have to miss class or something,” he suggested.

Kyungsoo could feel a blush creeping into his cheeks. He quickly nodded and swapped phones with Chanyeol, saving his number under the name “Do Kyungsoo”.  
When he had his own phone back in his hands Chanyeol smiled again, running his fingers through his hair to push it off of his forehead. “Great. I’ll text you, okay?” he said, and then he was rushing off, turning back at the door to wave enthusiastically. Kyungsoo was left looking at his phone screen which displayed a phone number, saved under the name Chanyeol surrounded by two bear emojis. A laugh swelled up in his chest.

***

_From: Chanyeol_

_do you want to come over tonight? Some of my friends are gonna watch a movie. It’s really chill though, don’t worry!!_

 

Chanyeol had somehow intuited Kyungsoo’s anxiety about meeting new people, which touched Kyungsoo. People generally didn’t take the time to consider how he struggled a bit with social situations—not that he didn’t _want_ to meet or talk to people, really, it could just make him nervous and self conscious.

Kyungsoo decided to go. He thought that meeting Chanyeol outside of class for the first time was nerve wracking (what if they ran out of things to talk about? What if Kyungsoo said something ridiculous?) A group setting might make it easier.

When Kyungsoo arrived at Chanyeol’s apartment he was introduced to three other boys: Sehun, tall and lanky with bright bleached hair; Jongdae, small but clearly overflowing with affection for his friends; and Baekhyun, Chanyeol’s roommate who Kyungsoo immediately recognized as the second voice from Chanyeol’s videos. He had not imagined such a small and pretty owner for that voice. Baekhyun’s eyes were lined and his hair was dyed a soft pink. Seeing his and Chanyeol’s playful dynamic in real life was surreal to Kyungsoo at first.

When the group made to start the movie they quickly realized there were not quite enough seats for all of them. The old and worn-in couch in Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s living room was large, but not quite five-people-large.

“It’s fine, I’ll sit on the floor,” Chanyeol volunteered. He made to sit cross-legged on the wood in front of Kyungsoo’s spot on the couch, but Baekhyun pulled him back up with uncharacteristic gentleness by the forearm.

“As if, Chanyeol, we’re not letting you sit on the floor with _your_ back,” he said, but there was no bite in his words. Kyungsoo sensed he was outside of the loop. Well, he reminded himself, that was okay; he just had to make the effort to get to know Chanyeol too. He looked at him, politely questioning.

“Your back?”

“Ah,” Chanyeol said a little sheepishly, but shrugged as if proving to both himself and Kyungsoo that it was no big deal. “I have a bad back. Since high school.”

“Oh,” Kyungsoo nodded and then offered Chanyeol a smile, “so, then, sit next to me.” Chanyeol smiled big, his eyes scrunched up. It occurred to Kyungsoo that even after so many hours of hearing Chanyeol talk about himself in his videos he had never once mentioned back pain, and he wondered why Chanyeol chose to keep it private. Being trusted with the information made Kyungsoo feel accepted.

“Don’t worry. I’ll sit on Sehun,” Baekhyun offered. Sehun scoffed at the joke, but it turned out Baekhyun really did have to settle half on Sehun’s lap as the couch was packed with the five of them. The youngest boy whined half-heartedly and managed to get Jongdae to toss pieces of popcorn into his mouth (“out of pity,” he claimed).

As they watched the movie, Kyungsoo smiled at the fondness bubbling up within him. The easy way the group welcomed Kyungsoo, their efforts to include him in conversation but to respect his tendency to be on the quiet side... it all made him feel at home, something that did not come naturally for him in groups.

By the end of the night they had all agreed to have regular movie nights at Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s apartment. Kyungsoo was happy to finally have found a group that he fit in with, and happier still that he had a concrete reason to hang out with Chanyeol more often.

***

Kyungsoo glanced, yet again, at the glow of his digital alarm clock. It had been two hours since he laid down in an attempt to fall asleep, and even though his eyes were heavy and he was comfortable under two blankets, he was no closer to sleep. He had been turning the idea of calling Chanyeol over in his mind for the past fifteen minutes. One part of him knew that not only did Chanyeol stay up late, but he would have welcomed Kyungsoo’s call anyway; however, another part of him knew that most people didn’t just call their friends to say “I can’t sleep, can you tell me a story?”

They were certainly friends by now. They had spent enough time together to become close. And didn’t friends ask each other for help when it was needed?

With his thumb hovering over Chanyeol’s contact for the umpteenth time, Kyungsoo decided he might as well actually make the call. He was very close to hanging up when Chanyeol picked up after the second ring, thankfully _not_ sounding like he had been woken up.

“Kyungsoo? It’s two in the morning,” Chanyeol said, and Kyungsoo’s chest expanded at the gentle, unusually quiet tone of his voice.

“Ah, I know, I’m sorry...I couldn’t sleep. I thought I’d call,” Kyungsoo replied. He matched Chanyeol’s hushed tone. How strange it was that a phone call could feel more intimate than a real-life conversation. Maybe it was the fact that not having to speak face to face gave Kyungsoo a bit more confidence to speak his mind. “What are you doing?” he asked Chanyeol.

“Oh, I was actually working on a song! Baek’s asleep so I’ll have to finish recording the guitar tomorrow, and right now I’m just playing around with the track.”

Kyungsoo smiled at the enthusiasm in Chanyeol’s voice. “Can I hear it?” 

“Really? Ah, it’s...it’s not much yet, I can’t figure out what it’s missing. Can I show you when it’s done? I promise it’ll be way better,” Chanyeol said, rushing to fit his words in like he was worried Kyungsoo would be offended. Kyungsoo laughed quietly.

“Yeah, that’s fine. I’ll look forward to it.”

“Mmm. So what are you doing?”

“I’m in bed. Just laying here. I said I couldn’t sleep, remember?” Kyungsoo teased.

“Oh yeah, of course,” Chanyeol said hurriedly. Kyungsoo imagined the tall boy blushing, covering his face, and it made Kyungsoo’s own cheeks flush. He smiled at the silly warmth building in his chest.

“Maybe you should go to bed too, you obviously need some sleep,” Kyungsoo said, unable to stop smiling.

“Maybe you’re right, but I want to talk to you. Hey, stay on the phone for a while okay? I’m going to get ready for bed.” Chanyeol then proceeded, between short silences when he had to put his phone down, to narrate what he was doing; changing, washing his face, brushing his teeth (which was said through a mouthful of toothpaste), and finally laying down. Kyungsoo tried his best to stay composed but he giggled once or twice despite himself. He couldn’t believe how endeared he was by this dork.

“So now what?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Hm...I guess we go to sleep. I wish you were here, it would be nice to see you,” Chanyeol said. Kyungsoo blushed and, yet again, admired Chanyeol’s ability to say exactly what he felt. He took a breath in and replied “Yeah, I wish I could see you too.”

“Next time you can’t sleep we’ll video chat,” Chanyeol said, yawning for punctuation. Kyungsoo figured he should let the poor guy get some rest. They exchanged quiet goodbyes and Kyungsoo, listening to his own heartbeat gradually slow down, fell into a comfortable sleep. 

 

***

The next time Kyungsoo became fed up with trying to sleep was three days after his and Chanyeol’s first call. In the time between, Kyungsoo’s mind had jogged back and forth from excitement to utter anxiety about having a video chat with Chanyeol. Each day was divided into hours when he was certain he would call Chanyeol versus hours when he was equally certain that he’d be better off dropping his phone off the roof.

While he tossed and turned in his dorm bed Kyungsoo had tried listening to one of Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s videos like he had done countless times to calm his nerves. Of course, he had never met Chanyeol then; now hearing his voice only made Kyungsoo fidget more, the familiar guilt of not having told Chanyeol the truth creeping up his throat like a sapling stretching towards the sun.

Kyungsoo tried to read a book to focus his thoughts on something tangible. He found himself re-reading the same paragraph three times, his thoughts only ever circling back to Chanyeol. Swallowing his discomfort, Kyungsoo settled on a compromise: he would just call Chanyeol instead of video chatting.

However, when Chanyeol picked up the phone he began by saying “Kyungsoo, you said we would video chat next time!”

“To be fair, you were the one who said that.”

 Chanyeol abruptly hung up but didn’t give Kyungsoo any time to worry because the screen immediately lit up with a video request. Laughing more out of nerves than anything, Kyungsoo opened the call.

The first thing Kyungsoo noticed was that Chanyeol was in bed, his bare shoulders visible above a colourful quilt. The second thing he noticed was the stuffed bear beside Chanyeol’s head.

“Is that a toy? You sleep with a toy?” he asked, the corners of his mouth twitching. Chanyeol smiled wide.

“Yeah, it’s a rilakkuma. He’s my favourite. He’s dressed as a cow!” Chanyeol grabbed the bear and held it up to his phone’s camera. Kyungsoo couldn’t stop the smile that lit up his face so he covered his mouth with his hand instead. When Chanyeol had tucked his rilakkuma back in beside him he turned his attention back to the screen—and opened his mouth in surprise.

“You’re wearing glasses!” Chanyeol said. Kyungsoo realized he hadn’t taken off his glasses after reading. He smiled sheepishly and explained his astigmatism.

“Oh, is that why you looked at me like that when we met?” Chanyeol asked with a smile.

Kyungsoo ran a hand through his hair in both embarrassment and guilt; it was true that he often appeared standoffish when he was simply trying to see clearly, but the expression he had made when he had met Chanyeol was also one of disbelief upon hearing his familiar voice in real life. Kyungsoo decided now was _not_ the time to explain the whole thing, that he would rather have that conversation face to face. He simplified:

“Yeah, sorry. Squinting like that makes it easier to see.”

“That’s okay,” Chanyeol replied happily, “I thought it was funny. And your glasses make you look so cute.” Kyungsoo inwardly cursed the blush that crept up his cheeks upon hearing the compliment—even more when Chanyeol laughed and pointed out how pink his cheeks had gotten.

“Shut up,” Kyungsoo said while covering his face with his hand. Chanyeol whined and told him to move his hand, saying “I can’t see how cute you are!” He cackled when Kyungsoo buried his face in his pillow instead.

 “This is the best idea I’ve ever had.”

***

Suddenly Kyungsoo had a new method of persuading his body to sleep. Not only were he and Chanyeol spending more and more time together, they would also frequently video chat into the night until Kyungsoo felt that sleep was genuinely achievable.

Kyungsoo was a perceptive person; he was very aware of his own feelings for Chanyeol, almost positive that they were reciprocated. Still, he savoured the slowness of it all. He loved when Chanyeol dropped hints into their conversations, flirted with him through the phone, and sat just a bit too close when the group would have movie nights. He loved the slight linger of Chanyeol’s hand on his back and the weight of his head when he tried to rest it on Kyungsoo’s shoulder ( _tried_ to; the size difference made this difficult). Kyungsoo didn’t want to rush anything because this alone, the anticipation and the warmth, was divine.

But the knot in Kyungsoo’s stomach was getting tighter every day he didn’t mention to Chanyeol that, actually, he had known him (in some sense) for months before they had ever met. When he was with Chanyeol he allowed himself to forget his anxiety momentarily only to have it come crashing down as soon as he was alone—or, worse, if Chanyeol mentioned a topic that he had talked about before in his videos. The guilt seemed to take up more of his stomach the longer Kyungsoo kept quiet, burrowing into his gut.

His problem was mainly twofold: firstly, it was not an easy confession to squeeze into everyday conversation. Secondly, he had already gone so long _not_ mentioning it that it now seemed entirely too late. And so it turned out that when Kyungsoo was in bed and his thoughts would swing back to this guilt like a pendulum, he would call the man who was at the root of it all.

“Hey, I finished the song I’ve been working on. Do you want to hear it?”

Kyungsoo smiled, nodded at his phone screen; the way Chanyeol’s eyes lit up when he talked about his music was endearing. He had so much passion. Chanyeol played the song through his laptop’s speakers, fidgeting a bit while they both listened, adjusting the electric heating pad under his back. Kyungsoo noticed that he was avoiding looking at the screen, avoiding Kyungsoo’s reaction. For his part, Kyungsoo had closed his eyes and a smile had stretched across his face. The song was beautiful. Chanyeol’s low singing voice sent a shiver down his spine. He told him as much when the song ended, provoking Chanyeol’s megawatt smile.

“If you don’t mind me asking...why are you in the business program? You obviously love music, and you’re talented,” Kyungsoo asked. Chanyeol hid his pleasure at the comment behind his hand.

“I don’t really know. I just want to do so much, so many different things, I couldn’t decide...and everyone told me to get a degree in something that would actually help me find a job. You know? But it hasn’t been rewarding for me. Ah, I don’t know.”

While they talked Kyungsoo let his eyes close and his breathing even out. He even drifted out of the conversation at times. Chanyeol said he didn’t mind; he wanted Kyungsoo to fall asleep as well and saw it as his pleasure to help.

 At one point Chanyeol, smiling softly, invited Kyungsoo to sleep over on the day before their shared class. He got a bit flustered and started listing practical reasons for the invitation: Kyungsoo wouldn’t have to get home after their movie night, the class was early, they might as well travel together, and anyway it would be the same as falling asleep during the video chat. Kyungsoo, feeling heavy and so warm, murmured an agreement, so close to sleep that his body’s only reaction to the thought of sharing a bed with Chanyeol was a muted buzz of pleasant anticipation.

                 

***

The evening of the sleepover went as well as Kyungsoo could have hoped. Baekhyun and Jongdae’s loud joking effectively distracted him from his nerves about what might happen that night when he and Chanyeol were alone.  Meanwhile, Chanyeol insisted on being pressed against Kyungsoo’s side all evening and even interlaced their fingers during the last half of the movie.

When the guests filed out around midnight with tired eyes Kyungsoo felt the stir of his anxiety again. He and Chanyeol prepared for bed together. They brushed their teeth next to each other and made faces into the mirror in a competition to see who would laugh first (it was Chanyeol—he spat toothpaste onto the mirror).

Affection filled Kyungoo’s chest as he settled next to Chanyeol in his bed, no less than three rilakkumas tucked in between them. He smiled so big, so genuinely that his nose scrunched up. Chanyeol followed his gaze and laughed.

“They’re a bit in the way, hm?” he said as he gathered the bears and moved them gently to his other side. No more plush toys in between them; nothing preventing Kyungsoo from pressing into Chanyeol. The anticipation hummed in the tips of his fingers. Cautious, he shifted closer to Chanyeol. When they lay next to each other like this their eyes were level.

Chanyeol smiled and said “come here” so softly that it sent a shiver through Kyungsoo. He inched closer and eventually settled his head on Chanyeol’s chest, nosing into his tank top. He inhaled the mingling smells of detergent, a faint earthy cologne, and a distinct scent that he’d come to associate with Chanyeol (and in turn with simultaneous feelings of comfort and thrill). Chanyeol wrapped an arm around Kyungsoo and ran his thumb back and forth sweetly over his shoulder.

Kyungsoo was worried he would never fall asleep if his heart kept beating so fast—and it had showed no sign of stopping so far. It made him breathless as if he had been climbing flights of stairs. He was embarrassed to be taking such deep breaths, but with his ear pressed against Chanyeol’s chest he could hear the other’s heart hammering away just as quickly and at least he wasn’t the only one so affected by their proximity. He slid his arm up Chanyeol’s torso and let his hand rest, open palmed, above his beating heart.

“Feel sleepy?” Chanyeol murmured against Kyungsoo’s hair.

“Rarely” Kyungsoo deadpanned. He felt Chanyeol laugh.

“What can I do to help?”  

Kyungsoo considered this. Weighed pros and cons, pitted his desires against his fear of being laughed off. In the end, the dark and the quiet gave him a certain confidence.

“Tell me something,” he whispered.

“Mm, okay...” Chanyeol began without hesitation, and launched into a story about visiting his grandparents in the country when he was young. His familiar voice, immersed in storytelling in a way that Kyungsoo was so used to, seemed so different in this moment; Kyungsoo not only heard but _felt_ Chanyeol speak, and felt the heat of his body, the tone of his voice so hushed.

Tiredness came to him gradually, weighing on him unbelievably comfortable, dragging him down into sleep. The last thing Kyungsoo remembered before falling asleep was how Chanyeol’s voice had gotten quieter and his words more spaced out, and before he knew it he was awash in the warmth of sleep.

 

***

Kyungsoo couldn’t remember the last time he was this cold. He had tucked his icy fingers in between his thighs, his back aching from being hunched over in shivers.  He and Chanyeol had been waiting at the bus stop for ten minutes and Kyungsoo had not dressed for the temperature. Kyungsoo was gingerly seated on the shelter’s frozen bench while Chanyeol paced in front of him.

They were on their way home from an outing that was maybe-a-date, a trip to an off-campus café for lunch (over which they exchanged what Baekhyun had affectionately termed their “annoying heart-eyes”). It was a short bus ride back to campus but an inconvenient distance to walk, and so they waited.   

“I wish I were dead,” Kyungsoo said with feeling while he shivered. Chanyeol, bouncing on the balls of his feet to keep warm, huffed out a laugh, but when he looked at Kyungsoo he had concern in the set of his brows.

“Do you want my sweater?” Chanyeol asked sincerely.

Kyungsoo’s turn to furrow his brow: “Then _you_ would be cold.” Chanyeol smiled, but still looked worried.

“Okay, come here,” Chanyeol demanded and spread his arms wide. Kyungsoo looked up at him to make sure he wasn’t joking; at the sight of Chanyeol’s goofy smile, he knew he was really offering his body heat. Kyungsoo slowly stood up from the bench and shuffled into the embrace. 

Chanyeol wrapped his arms around Kyungsoo easily and began rubbing his back to generate heat. Kyungsoo burrowed his frozen nose into Chanyeol’s shoulder, Chanyeol resting his chin on the crown of Kyungsoo’s head.

“You don’t even have pockets! Put your hands in my sweater,” Chanyeol demanded. Kyungsoo felt the low voice reverberate through his body.  He did as he was told, tucking his hands into Chanyeol’s open sweater and clinging to the fabric of the sides of his shirt.

“Good,” Chanyeol said. Kyungsoo could hear the smile in his voice. “Okay? Better?”  

Kyungsoo mumbled an affirmation into Chanyeol’s shoulder, smiling as well. The familiar scent of his clothes mixed with the crisp smell of winter. He wasn’t usually one for public displays of affection but decided that without Chanyeol’s hug he might have frozen to death.  

It was not long until the bus pulled up, and after frantically producing their fare and finding a couple seats near the back, Kyungsoo leaned into Chanyeol’s warmth again (despite the fact that the bus was quite warm already).

***

Kyungsoo couldn’t exactly remember how he had ended up like this. Not with Chanyeol so close and pressing him against the front door of his apartment, fogging up his memory. At some point after the bus ride home, after walking hand-in-hand with Chanyeol up to his apartment, after Chanyeol struggling to fit his key into the lock with shaking hands, they ended up—well, against the door.

Kyungsoo could feel Chanyeol’s breath on his cheek, warm and quick, contrasting with the icy fingers on the nape of his neck.  Chanyeol’s cheeks were flushed and his eyes bright; they were looking at Kyungsoo’s lips.

Kyungsoo stretched on his toes to brush his lips softly over the corner of Chanyeol’s mouth. He felt Chanyeol let out a breath that was almost the smallest laugh, and then their lips met full on. Chanyeol’s opened softly, allowing Kyungsoo to lead the kiss, slow and gentle, exploring. The slide of their lips and the hesitant press of Chanyeol’s tongue against Kyungsoo’s bottom lip were perfect, and _god,_ Kyungsoo had been waiting for this for what felt like forever.

 He pulled away until his lips were barely able to graze Chanyeol’s. Paused. Breathed out a single sentence:

“I watch your videos.”

He hadn’t _meant_ to say it—it forced its way out. He eyes darted up to Chanyeol’s, whose mouth was open in surprise, his lips still shiny from the kiss. Then it was Kyungsoo’s turn to be surprised when Chanyeol suddenly began to laugh deep and sincere.

Kyungsoo couldn’t help laughing too, adding “I watch them at night to fall asleep, I have been for...since before we met. I thought I was losing my mind when you first spoke to me.”

He suddenly felt so feather-light, free from the burden of the secret he’d been keeping for months. It seemed such a silly thing now. Chanyeol shook his head a little with wide eyes and the biggest smile.

“You’ve got some timing, Do Kyungsoo,” he said.

“Is it okay?” Kyungsoo asked, looking down. He was suddenly very conscious of their closeness and could feel his face burning. Chanyeol still had his hand on Kyungsoo’s neck, and Kyungsoo’s hands in exchange were still on Chanyeol’s waist.

“Hey, look at me,” Chanyeol said gently, and when Kyungsoo complied he continued: “Of course it’s okay. Is it okay if we keep kissing?”

Kyungsoo breathed a laugh and nodded, smiling big. Chanyeol leaned back into him—but soon broke the kiss again.

“Ah, how many of the videos have you seen?” Chanyeol asked him, eyes darting away sheepishly as he ducked his head.

“All of them,” Kyungsoo said.

“Oh, my god. The, uh... the one about my first kiss?”

Kyungsoo laughed in earnest. “Yes,” he replied, “don’t worry; you’re a lot better now.”

***

When Chanyeol and Baekhyun recorded their videos Kyungsoo was often, now, present; sometimes he would be doing homework in the next room, sometimes he would be cooking for the three of them, and occasionally he would even sit beside Chanyeol and comment on how poorly he was playing. The video’s commenters, funnily enough, _loved_ him. Every time he spoke in a video they would praise him for telling Chanyeol off. Comments about Chanyeol’s “funny boyfriend” were common but still made Kyungsoo blush in embarrassment.

When Kyungsoo couldn’t sleep he no longer had to wait for new videos to be uploaded. He could go straight to the source, in a way—Chanyeol was more than happy to talk Kyungsoo to sleep (the boy certainly _did_ like to talk), or play him songs he had composed. Even the simple heat of Chanyeol’s body next to Kyungsoo helped him sleep easier.

Something about Chanyeol was such a comfort to Kyungsoo. And wasn’t that how it had always been? Ever since watching the first video Kyungsoo knew, however strange it was, he had a connection with Chanyeol. Now, when he and Chanyeol fell asleep tangled up together, he felt he had never been happier.


	2. Before Your Neurons Declare a Crisis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised smut but that wasn’t entirely true haha. Kyungsoo is asexual and wants to explore. Warning for panic attack brought on by a sexual situation.

Even after they had been dating for weeks, kissing Chanyeol was just as thrilling as the first time. Chanyeol was always eager and quick to lean into Kyungsoo as soon as they were alone. When Baekhyun was home Chanyeol was more hesitant, opting to kiss his cheek instead of his lips. It was all endearing to Kyungsoo.

Having just woken up from a nap, Kyungsoo was well rested and happy to let Chanyeol kiss along his jaw and down his neck. He was pliant and warm from sleep. Each new point of contact made his stomach squirm pleasantly. He chided Chanyeol half-heartedly about leaving lasting marks on his neck.

Kyungsoo’s brain gradually became a little fuzzy and his breathing even shallower; he told himself that it was a natural reaction to being so absolutely close to Chanyeol. At first it was nice. It felt like being a little drunk, with a glow setting up camp in his chest, radiating heat as they kissed deeper. But when Chanyeol shifted in between Kyungsoo’s legs and lined up their hips in a way that pressed their groins together, all at once Kyungsoo felt like his skin was on fire, a flame that licked down his body in a way that was not at all pleasant. He instantly felt a bit nauseous. 

He jerked away from Chanyeol’s mouth and covered his own with a hand, his other hand clutching tightly at his own elbow. He was folding in on himself. He couldn’t breathe properly, his body wouldn’t listen to him, and so tears welled up in his eyes.

“Kyungsoo? Are you okay? Hey, hey, are you okay?” Chanyeol was shifting in an attempt to make eye contact with Kyungsoo, but the latter had already shut his eyes tight which had caused the tears to fall in earnest. “Oh my god, did I hurt you? What’s wrong?” 

Kyungsoo was deeply ashamed but couldn’t say a single thing that would explain the situation. He gasped for air and covered his face so at least he wouldn’t have to see Chanyeol’s scared expression.

“Okay, shit, try to breathe even. Do you want me to touch you, or no?” 

Oh. This was a question Kyungsoo could answer; he immediately shook his head no.

“Okay, no touching. Do you want me to leave the room?” Another shake no. “Okay, I’ll stay, but I won’t touch. I’m going to count out loud, and I want you try to breathe with my counting, okay? Breathe in while I count to four and then out while I finish counting to ten.”

Chanyeol counted just as he said he would, from one to ten over and over, and Kyungsoo tried his best to calm his breathing enough that it would match up with the numbers. Finally, still shaky and crying but able to breathe, Kyungsoo reached a hand out and desperately clutched at the side of Chanyeol’s shirt, just wanting to feel like his body was real.  
“Do you want me to touch you?” Chanyeol asked again, and this time Kyungsoo nodded. 

Chanyeol responded immediately; Kyungsoo, head still buried in his hands, felt the bed dip in front of him and then he was being wrapped up in Chanyeol’s sturdy, warm arms. Kyungsoo pressed his face into Chanyeol’s neck, trying to stop sobbing if only to protect Chanyeol’s shirt (since his own dignity seemed to be decidedly out of the question). Kyungsoo’s hands, with nails that buzzed and begged to dig into his own flesh if only to prove he was still alive, instead tangled in Chanyeol’s shirt. Chanyeol’s own fingers stroked Kyungsoo’s hair gently. 

Chanyeol began to whisper softly into Kyungsoo’s ear: “I’m here, it’ll be okay, I’m here.” After what could have been minutes or an eternity Chanyeol even began to hum slow and comforting. Kyungsoo felt the vibration through his chest. 

The thing about panic attacks, Kyungsoo had noted after his most recent, was that they felt like they would never, ever end. But they always did. Kyungsoo had never had a panic attack in front of any other person. The vulnerability of the whole thing made Kyungsoo feel like a child.

When he stopped crying Chanyeol shifted their position and wiped Kyungsoo’s cheeks dry. He dropped a single sweet kiss onto Kyungsoo’s forehead. Kyungsoo’s eyes stayed cast down throughout, too embarrassed to think of looking at Chanyeol.

“Come on, I’ll make you hot chocolate. And then we could watch a movie? Maybe something we’ve already seen so we can fall asleep.” Kyungsoo was thoroughly exhausted, mortified, but Chanyeol’s suggestions tugged at his heart. Chanyeol pulled Kyungsoo to his feet and didn’t let go of his hand as they walked to the kitchen. He didn’t even let go as he boiled the milk, as he carried the hot chocolate into the living room and plopped down on the couch, soft and comforting. 

The hot chocolate warmed Kyungsoo from inside his stomach; Chanyeol’s presence warmed his body and wormed its way into his chest, a fondness that felt like it would burst out of Kyungsoo any moment. He wanted to keep it for himself though—just a bit longer. They ended up falling asleep just like Chanyeol had said, intertwined on the couch with a movie playing softly in the background. Kyungsoo was so grateful he was beyond words.

***

Talking about the panic attack with Chanyeol was painfully embarrassing, but to his credit Chanyeol listened diligently (even if he didn’t fully understand). 

He nervously told Chanyeol how he would have the occasional panic attack. How certain situations would set them off more than others—one example being sex, apparently. Kyungsoo hadn’t had much interest in sex and had noted a certain discomfort with sexuality, but he hadn’t expected to have a full blown panic attack. He explained how much he appreciated that Chanyeol asked if he should touch him or not, how helpful it was to answer with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’. 

Chanyeol reassured him that it was fine to take it slow, how of course he would still be interested in Kyungsoo even if he decided he wouldn’t have sex. He was earnest as always but Kyungsoo couldn’t help thinking that he wasn’t being entirely truthful. They decided to keep communication as open as possible and to let Kyungsoo initiate if he wanted to.  
In the mean time, Kyungsoo said, he was more than fine with kissing.

***

The first time Kyungsoo felt comfortable moving beyond simply kissing was after a particularly intense session of making out. He felt heady with desire and nerves.

“I want to try...ah,” Kyungsoo faltered for a moment, wanting desperately not to ruin the atmosphere, and then continued “want to try sucking you off?” 

Chanyeol snorted. “Why was it a question?”

“Oh my god, shut up,” Kyungsoo retorted, whacking Chanyeol’s thigh. Chanyeol laughed loud, throwing his head back. Once he had composed himself he reached out to lightly cup Kyungsoo’s jaw, lifting his gaze back to Chanyeol’s face. Kyungsoo was red with embarrassment and had his eyes narrowed. 

“Hey, I’m sorry. I would love if you sucked me off.” Chanyeol paused to giggle. “I mean, ah, this is funny. Sex is kind of silly.”

Kyungsoo laughed, replying “yeah, you’re telling me.” He felt a fondness bloom in his chest. He was instantly comforted by this acknowledgement of the situation, a silent permission to explore without it feeling so dauntingly serious. He leaned in to kiss Chanyeol again, closed-mouthed but lingering, and when their lips separated he tugged at the hem of Chanyeol’s t-shirt and demanded: “off.”

When Chanyeol was fully undressed and Kyungsoo still fully dressed, the latter settled at the former’s waist, fingers slowly exploring. Despite his nerves he had found a certain confidence in his control of the situation, with Chanyeol giving him permission to set the pace.

Kyungsoo ran his fingers through Chanyeol’s thick pubic hair, curling them into a light hold and pulling gently. Chanyeol laughed softly and Kyungsoo’s eyes darted to his face. He was flushed but grinning his usual grin, teeth on full display. Kyungsoo returned the smile and then planted a small kiss on the junction of Chanyeol’s thigh, nosing into his pubic hair, eliciting a low hum from Chanyeol. 

Kyungsoo steadied himself with his hands on Chanyeol’s hips and leaned carefully towards him, pressing an experimental kiss to the tip of his penis. Chanyeol breathed in quick through his nose and reached down to run his fingers lightly through Kyungsoo’s hair, brushing it off his forehead. Taking this as an encouragement, Kyungsoo began in earnest, licking a strip up the underside of Chanyeol’s cock and taking the head into his mouth, monitoring the reaction carefully. Chanyeol’s eyes fluttered shut and his grip on Kyungsoo’s hair slackened. He looked beautiful. Kyungsoo took more into his mouth and hollowed out his cheeks, continuing at an even pace. 

Chanyeol began breathing heavily, a little ragged, and punctuating his breaths with small mewls. Kyungsoo would have laughed. Chanyeol tangled his fingers into Kyungsoo’s hair and tugged decisively, but quickly pulled his hands away and breathed out a shaky apology. Kyungsoo pulled off of him to say that he actually liked the way it felt, and ask that Chanyeol pull a bit harder. He was surprised when his own voice came out huskier than usual. Chanyeol, who had opened his eyes wide and made eye contact at the sudden absence of Kyungsoo’s mouth, whispered “oh, my god, fuck, you look...so good,” and Kyungsoo smiled up at him, his cheeks warming at the compliment. 

When his mouth returned to Chanyeol Kyungsoo felt fingers in his hair again, pulling with force, and he let out a small groan which vibrated through Chanyeol’s body. The hair-pulling coupled with Chanyeol’s shallow thrusts up into his mouth meant that Kyungsoo was taking most of Chanyeol’s cock in his mouth. He was genuinely proud of himself, again feeling like laughing. The whole thing was ridiculous, he thought, but he was enjoying it as well.

It was not long before Chanyeol became more vocal, quickly letting Kyungsoo know he was close. When he came Kyungsoo swallowed the first bit, but after pulling off a second string hit him across his cheek, prompting a small surprised “oh!” from him. He considered the aftertaste left in his mouth; a bit bitter, but not objectionable. 

When Chanyeol opened his eyes once again he laughed at the mess on Kyungsoo’s face. “Oh, but it’s kind of hot,” he said pointing to Kyungsoo, and then motioned for him to scoot up to reach his mouth. When Kyungsoo complied Chanyeol pulled him into a messy kiss. He pressed their foreheads together. He stuck his tongue out and slowly licked a bit of his own cum off of Kyungsoo’s face, considering the taste as well. Kyungsoo felt a heat pool in his stomach at the sight and noted that he himself was mostly hard.

“How are you?” Chanyeol asked quietly, pressing soft kisses to whatever part of Kyungsoo’s face he could reach. Kyungsoo laughed just as quietly.

“I’m good. I liked it, especially the hair pulling. What about you?”

“Mmm, I’m fucking great. You did so good. I liked the hair pulling too.” Kyungsoo smiled, feeling accomplished. “Do you want anything from me?” Chanyeol asked but Kyungsoo shook his head, sure in his decision.

“No, I’m okay. Thank you though.”

***

Sweat plastered Kyungsoo’s hair to his forehead and shone on his bare chest. Chanyeol was squirming underneath him, absolutely lost in his own pleasure. He had a death grip on one of Kyungsoo’s arms, which was painful but amusing. Kyungsoo smirked as he thrust the toy into Chanyeol at a new angle—Chanyeol made a pitchy groan and rocked down onto it.

This was their compromise. Kyungsoo had discovered that he was more than willing to pleasure Chanyeol (Chanyeol joked that Kyungsoo liked it even more than him). But he didn’t feel comfortable with any attention himself—at least, for now. 

Chanyeol hadn’t had a lot of experience with sex, and Kyungsoo decidedly had zero experience, so they were both discovering what they liked and didn’t like. Chanyeol, it turned out, especially liked to be fucked. 

Since Kyungsoo wasn’t comfortable involving his own body they had picked out a sex toy online and had it shipped to Chanyeol’s apartment, where Baekhyun immediately demanded to know what they had bought. Even though Chanyeol had refused to tell him as it was none of his business, Kyungsoo was too embarrassed to look Baekhyun in the eyes for three days straight. 

Watching Chanyeol with his face screwed up in pleasure was undeniably hot. There was something satisfying to Kyungsoo about knowing that he was the reason Chanyeol looked like this; every sound he made was for Kyungsoo, and Chanyeol was very vocal. He punctuated each thrust with breathy moans.

Kyungsoo would occasionally get himself off in the shower remembering how Chanyeol’s legs wrapped around him, or the way he breathed out Kyungsoo’s name, the way he looked when he climaxed. When they discussed this Chanyeol was hurt, and they had a tense conversation that left Kyungsoo very close to tears; he explained that it wasn’t that he didn’t want Chanyeol, there was just a disconnect between what he fantasized about and what he felt comfortable doing. 

More compromises. 

When Chanyeol would finish and pull Kyungsoo down on top of him, spent and needy and kissing him sweetly, Kyungsoo would think that compromises were just fine.

***

Kyungsoo was breathless from kissing, Chanyeol panting against his mouth. He pulled away a bit and tried to find the right words to ask Chanyeol what he’d been meaning to all week.

He decided simply on: “I want you.”

Chanyeol quirked his eyebrows up in confusion and replied “I’m right here.” Kyungsoo sighed and realized he would have to be more explicit.

“I want you to fuck me.”

Chanyeol’s eyes widened, searching Kyungsoo’s own. “Yeah? You sure?”

Kyungsoo was sure. He had been thinking about it for weeks, had been trying things on his own to gauge how he felt (and telling Chanyeol all about it, keeping to their promise of open communication). Recently it had built to a point where Kyungsoo could barely go a day without imagining Chanyeol fucking him into the mattress. 

“Do you want me to...do the prep? Or do you want to?” Chanyeol asked. He seemed nervous while Kyungsoo felt relatively calm; a strange role reversal. 

“I want you to do it,” Kyungsoo replied, locking eyes with Chanyeol. The latter flushed, nodded, and turned to rummage in his end table.

Kyungsoo pulled his shirt over his head and discarded it before wriggling out of his jeans. He hesitated at his briefs—he had never been naked in front of Chanyeol. He was worrying his bottom lip when Chanyeol turned back toward him. 

“You’re wearing too much,” Kyungsoo mumbled, avoiding eye contact in embarrassment. Chanyeol breathed a laugh and began undressing. When they were both down to underwear Chanyeol pulled Kyungsoo in for a deep kiss. He ran his fingers up Kyungsoo’s inner thigh and stopped deliberately at the junction of his thigh, hand hovering over his bulge.

“Is this okay?” he asked.

“Don’t, ah,” Kyungsoo said with urgency, “Please...don’t touch there.”

“Okay,” Chanyeol replied gently. He leaned back in to kiss Kyungsoo again before asking “Can I take them off? Without touching?”

Kyungsoo nodded with a smile. He could feel the rush of blood to his face when Chanyeol uncovered him, and he quickly buried his face in his hands. He made a sound of protest when Chanyeol called him beautiful. 

“Hands and knees?” Chanyeol suggested, and Kyungsoo complied. When he had assumed the position he felt incredibly exposed and vulnerable; Chanyeol, noticing his tenseness, ran his nails gently down Kyungsoo’s back, kissing the back of his neck and whispering encouragement until his muscles relaxed. 

The first lubed finger slid in easily, but Chanyeol’s fingers were wider than Kyungsoo’s own delicate ones; Kyungsoo bit down on his lip to keep quiet while Chanyeol worked. The addition of a second finger alone was enough to have Kyungsoo pushing back to meet Chanyeol’s fingers, unable to keep entirely quiet. By the time Chanyeol pressed his third finger in, slowly and carefully stretching, Kyungsoo was practically whining, fucking himself on Chanyeol’s fingers.

“I’m ready, I’m ready,” Kyungsoo choked out between thrusts. “I wanna ride you.”

“Shit, okay.” Chanyeol pulled his fingers out and wiped them on his discarded shirt. He repositioned himself with his back against the headboard and motioned for Kyungsoo to come closer.

Kyungsoo watched as if he were entranced while Chanyeol tore open the condom packet and rolled it on. After applying lube Chanyeol patted his thighs in invitation. Kyungsoo laughed a little, breathless, and straddled Chanyeol, reaching behind him to guide himself onto his cock. 

He hissed at the initial stretch. Taking a few deep breaths to relax, he eased down slowly. Chanyeol gripped his sides tight as he bottomed out. Kyungsoo rocked his hips experimentally a few times, trying to find an angle and a pace he could work with. Chanyeol’s head dropped back onto the pillow with his eyes scrunched shut as Kyungsoo lifted himself a few inches and dropped back down with a groan. With his hands on Chanyeol’s thighs for leverage he built up a slow, even pace. 

“’s good...fuck,” Kyungsoo said breathily. “Need more.”

So Chanyeol slid his hands down to grip the swell of Kyungsoo’s ass and he began to thrust his hips up to meet Kyungsoo’s. The spike of pleasure left Kyungsoo gasping, moving his fingers to comb through Chanyeol’s hair. 

When Chanyeol shifted slightly he grazed Kyungsoo’s prostate, the latter begging for more of the same, tugging at Chanyeol’s hair and biting at his shoulder. Chanyeol let out a desperate groan at the pain. He upped the pace and Kyungsoo felt like he might cry from pleasure while his cock lay untouched against his stomach throughout.

Kyungsoo came with a whine, the sound strange to his own ears, and Chanyeol chased his orgasm by thrusting up fast and hard. Kyungsoo felt absolutely exhausted. It took every bit of effort in him to pull off of Chanyeol and collapse beside him.

He was physically spent but his mind was feeling a bit fuzzy. He pressed his face into Chanyeol’s neck and wrapped his limbs tight around his boyfriend, not sparing the energy to worry whether he was being too clingy. The physical contact grounded him.

“Say something,” he murmured against Chanyeol’s skin.

“Hey,” Chanyeol said, his voice breaking halfway through. Kyungsoo laughed.

“Hey.”

“That was...incredible,” Chanyeol breathed against Kyungsoo’s ear.

“Was it better? Than when I just use toys,” Kyungsoo asked, self-conscious and not even sure if he wanted to know the answer. Chanyeol considered the question for a moment.  
“Not better or worse, just different,” he replied. “It was nice to see you like this. Enjoying yourself.” Kyungsoo didn’t bother to point out how much of an understatement that was—Chanyeol’s smirk said that he was quite aware. “How are you?” Chanyeol asked quietly.

“Honestly?” Kyungsoo replied,” I feel weird...but good. It was good, it was perfect. And I don’t regret it. And I’d do it again.” 

Chanyeol laughed at the way Kyungsoo rushed his words. “I’m glad,” he said, kissing Kyungsoo’s forehead. “What can I do to help the weirdness?” 

Kyungsoo didn’t hesitate when he requested: “Tell me something.” And Chanyeol gladly complied.

**Author's Note:**

> first of all thank you so much for reading!! If there's one thing I can say about this fic it's that I used it as a sort of coping mechanism so I hope some of ya'll can find something of yourselves in here and that it might help just a bit. 
> 
> thanks again!


End file.
